Bard of Pogonophobia

  

Bard of Pogonophobia

William Shakespeare - if ever born during these times ,would not have been known as the ‘Bard of Avon’ but perhaps more in tune with the flavour of these times and called ‘The Beard of Avon’. 

Macbeth was not perturbed by the approaching army because he was guarded by a prophesy. “I will not be afraid of death and bane till Birnam forest come to Dunsinane”. The army of Malcolm camouflaged by boughs of Birnam wood made it look like the forest was moving ,thus corroborating the witches prophecy. Dark and frightening camouflages like these wins wars as evidently elucidated by the recent ‘bearded’ revolution in our north western neighborhood. Every morning I don the role of a petrified Macbeth as I see armies of pepper and salt marching in all over my face. I don’t want to hide my  face from the vagaries of life and religiously start  my day by invoking the ‘Gillete’ Gods to save me from these trials and tribulations.   

                              

                               The average Malayali who was quite happy sporting a moustache  till now wants his beard to do all the talking. Perhaps he too needs a camouflage to brandish his pseudo macho psyche. Such is the level of diffidence that he is willing to forsake the hygiene angle which was the hallmark of a true blue malabari all along. The scientific world swears that all beards trap feculent particles and harbour more germs than a toilet seat however hard you scrub them. It's remotely possible that the male grooming and sunscreen market mafia might have paid the emissaries of this grapevine telegraph to load all that bull against the beard. Males who sport a beard have to spend a lot of time  grooming them much in tune with the fair gender, whose coquetry with the mirror is still pardonable. Yet ,they are portrayed to be aggressive and an epitome of masculinity once the mirror is kept back in its sheath. Basking under the same Sun they also suggest to portray maturity and melancholy of an erudite ascetic.  It is all utterly confusing and truly lies in the eyes of the beholder. To beard or not to beard? That was the question of yore. Not any more!!Beards are here to stay and souls like me would soon be ostracized from this state or perhaps even be labelled as 'testosterone challenged'. I need to delve into my inner self to dissect my aversion for the beard and tame it before these hair raising acts in the neighborhood begin to affect my 'shaving' grace.

                              I don't remember anyone in my family sporting a beard except for the so called millennials. The Gods too which adorned the puja rooms had nothing of that sort. Raja Ravi Varma who gave face to the millions of  Hindu Gods never drew them with a beard , unlike Michelangelo who drew the Almighty on the Sistine chapel ceiling for the  very first time with a flowing beard. Ravi Varma lived in the tropics unlike Michelangelo and it was elementary that his Gods wouldn't be snug with a beard in a hot and humid climate. Lord Buddha too might have given him an unambiguous plot to consider. The only anomaly, Lord Brahma , was portrayed with a beard as he was not immortal and had only 100 Brahma years to live. There are just a handful of his temples all around India which clearly marks why Gods sporting beards never win popularity contests in the subcontinent .Beards were associated with sages, age and wisdom in India and on the contrary used by the Gods in the West  to brandish their alpha male glamour quotient. Bearded or not, glamour was still the name of the game.  Jesus is still portrayed unilaterally as a  blonde white man with blue eyes in this part of the globe but they split into two camps when it comes to whether he ought to be sporting a beard. Amen to that.

 Sistine chapel ceiling - Creation of Adam

                               Among the books I read as a kid ,it was Edgar Rice Burroughs and his Tarzan series which captured my imagination. To this day nobody has questioned how Tarzan finds time and the logic to keep a clean shaved countenance living amongst his hairy ape brethren. Yes he was Lord Greystoke Jr after all and grooming was in his blood. Nevertheless, not taking credit away from the apes who spend a lot of time grooming each other unlike their vain homosapien cousins . The author clearly belonged to my tribe, of which Raja Ravi Varma was a trail blazer. 

                              As we grow older, there is a phase when you are proud of your new found stubble which supposedly tom toms your arrival on the world stage. The humidity of my place along with an oily skin made living hell of this boy fighting acnes,  trying his best to painfully graft a beard. Ask any man how their face reacted to the beard and you will get to know the painful truth about beard acnes and the suffering one undergoes to maintain it. Alexander the Great had the compassion to put an end to this pain as he prepared for a decisive showdown with the Persian emperor for control of Asia way back in 331BC . He ordered his soldiers to shave; ending the reign of beards! Till then for time immemorial in Greek culture, a smooth chin on a man was a sign of effeminacy.

                              This adolescent stubble ridden phase of mine was short-lived as I got enlightened during the course of my architectural education. Louis Sullivan- The  spiritual father of Modern architecture had coined the phrase "Form follows Function" and it struck a light somewhere in me. Though ironically he had a beard ,I construed his dictum to suit my reasoning. A beard was not functional in a tropical place and it was in my rights to turn myself into a functional 'beast'. My days as a student architect was also inspired by one of the pioneers of the modernistic movement Mies van der Rohe who believed in structural honesty. His dictum “Less is More” was imbibed in all earnest by me and I have always strived to keep a clean shaved face free from ornamentation. Its another cheesy way of presenting the fact that I had better things to do during college than stroking, trimming and scratching my facial fungi. 

                        The beards that have crossed my path have never got a fair deal from me because of my opinionated stance and I sincerely want to make amends . The collage of negative visuals bombarded in the social media didn't help their cause either. There has always been bearded heroes and villains ,saints and pagans peppered throughout history. I guess all of them needed  sympathetic hearing in my court without weighing  their weight in keratin                                                                                                                                The first bearded soul to touch me was a black and white portrait of my paternal grandfather during his 'vrata' all bearded up for his annual pilgrimage to Sabarimala. I have never met him in real life and had the misfortune of seeing the only picture of him with a furry face. Lord Ayyappa on the hills of Sabarimala was still beardless battling the woes of a million bearded devotees.   Kenny Rogers the country music star, Tagore, Osho, Sadhguru, Marx, Darwin, Da Vinci  and of course my favourite bard whom I started off with were some of the bearded souls who commanded my attention. Yet, the one beard who found peace with me is that of my schoolmate and buddy who is a leading  criminal lawyer in my city. His beard is so intimidatory that it would make even  the presiding judge go weak at the knees. I wish that all the beards in my state have a solid reason to sport one like him and carry it with dignity and purpose. This might spark a new found respect and lead me on to bear with the beard. 

My buddy Praveen

The season of Joy is around the corner!! It is around this time of the year when  the most popular bearded man ever, Santa Claus comes sleighing in . This year as he sings  birthday wishes into my ears on Christmas eve ,I fervently wish that my bearded nightmares are shaved clean for ever.